Mental load: overstimulation, the invisible weight, and rethinking parenthood
When we picture family life, the focus often falls on visible activities: outings, playdates, home-cooked dinners, and bedtime routines. Less discussed is the invisible architecture that sustains these moments - the mental load - particularly the weight shouldered by mothers. Beneath the surface lies a persistent cognitive labour: keeping mental lists, anticipating needs, sorting events, arranging logistics, balancing relationships, planning, and remembering. The toll this takes can be substantial, resulting in both overstimulation and a sense of chronic busyness. This blog addresses: overstimulation and the invisible labour; societal pressures and the ‘good mother’ archetype; managing the mental load - cracks and sharing; tools for change - fair play and beyond.
Overstimulation and the Invisible Labour
Imagine walking through your day with multiple browser tabs open in your mind. Each tab represents a list: groceries, school forms, appointment reminders, immunisation schedules, work deadlines, family dynamics, emotional check-ins, birthday celebrations, and more. This constant cognitive multitasking can leave parents - especially mothers - feeling mentally noisy, busy, and frantic. The heart rate rises, breathing becomes shallow, and rest feels out of reach.
From the outside, everything appears functional. Friends and neighbors may comment, “You seem to have it all together!” The home looks tidy, children are cared for, and schedules are maintained. This outside perception, however, rarely aligns with internal experience. The invisible cracks - fatigue, irritability, sleep troubles, and moments of emotional exhaustion - begin to show, often behind closed doors.
Societal Pressures and the ‘Good Mother’ Archetype
Cultural expectations play a significant role in perpetuating the mental load. Societies worldwide hold up the image of the ‘good mother’ - one who does it all, with grace and boundless patience. The pressure to be ever-present, caring, quick to respond, willing to sacrifice, and meticulously organised sits alongside internalised beliefs about self-worth and success.
Rarely is ‘good enough’ celebrated. Women are driven to meet impossible standards, and even small cracks can trigger guilt or self-criticism. Motherhood transforms into a marathon of mental labour, where a quiet night’s sleep and a break from mental lists can feel elusive.
Managing the Mental Load: Cracks and Sharing
Holding the family’s invisible architecture together can lead to visible stress responses: emotional withdrawal, frustration, or even physical symptoms such as headaches and insomnia. If left unaddressed, these cracks can deepen, affecting relationships and personal wellbeing.
Sharing the load requires intention and clear communication. It means identifying which mental tasks are draining, articulating needs, and confidently redistributing responsibilities between partners or family members. This process takes vulnerability; cultural norms often resist a more equitable division of household labour.
Tools for Change: Fair Play and Beyond
Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play is a transformative resource that helps families break down tasks, surface invisible labour, and foster conversations about what equity truly looks like . The accompanying Fair Play deck provides tangible steps: families can sort and assign tasks to ensure responsibilities are clear and shared. For readers ready to make changes, explore the book here: Fair Play Book and Fair Play Deck .
Questions for Contemplation
• What responsibilities do you carry that others cannot see?
• Which mental lists keep you up at night or distract you during the day?
• How do cultural expectations about parenting influence your sense of self and wellbeing?
• What small step could you take to begin sharing your mental load today?
• Where might you need support, and how could you ask for help?
The mental load is real, exhausting, and often hidden. By speaking openly, redefining cultural ideals, and leaning on practical tools like Fair Play, families can move toward greater balance, wellbeing, and shared understanding. If this resonates, bring the conversation to your household and begin building your own shared architecture—one that honors the needs and strengths of every parent.
